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  • Sobriety

by Morgan Osman November 16, 2020 25 Comments

Addiction is a complex condition, a brain disease that is manifested by compulsive substance use despite harmful consequences. People with addiction (severe substance use disorder) have an intense focus on using a certain substance(s), such as alcohol or drugs, to the point that it takes over their life. Its an urge to do something that is hard to control or stop. You can also be addicted to money, sex, gambling and noticeably common - attention. Some become addicted to social media and engage in excessive or compulsive use. Psychologists estimate that as many as 5 to 10% of Americans meet the criteria for social media addiction today. Addicted to the attention is a behavioral addiction that is characterized as being overly concerned about social media, driven by an uncontrollable urge to log on to or use social media, and devoting so much time and effort to social media that it impairs other important life areas. All of these are real and for most, really hard to quit. After I posted on social media that I would be talking about my journey to sobriety I received so many messages. I didn’t expect so many people to reach out but, after they did, I thought “Duh! Hello Morgan.” People have been addicted to all kinds of things LONG before I was born. Although I can’t speak for everyone, quitting is damn near impossible. It takes serious willpower! It often requires you lose friends, family members, lifestyle and even for some, your career. Sometimes these steps are necessary in order to stay “clean.” With all that being said, I still believe I’ve never been addicted to anything. Hard to put into writing lol but, I really don’t think I was. Maybe I’m in denial? I don’t know.
  
 Growing up my mother would hide in the bathroom to smoke marijuana. That’s all. When I was around 16 years old she quit her job of almost 20 years and started bartending. A friend of hers would use cocaine recreationally and my mother started using it with her. I didn’t know this then, I was still a “kid.” I too started using cocaine recreationally. My friends and I would get together on the weekends and share the smallest amount. We were all very young, didn’t know what we were doing and didn’t have much money. This never turned into an addiction, I’d like to think I only did it for “fun.” One day, I came home after school, and all of the lights were off. My mother was nowhere to be found and I had to go live with my aunt. My mother was on her way down a god awful path of serious addiction. This led her to be homeless, jobless, car-less and a few times in prison. This went on for about 15 years. Cocaine led to crack, opioids, alcohol, heroin and who knows what else. From about 16-18 (before moving to Florida) I did whatever I could for her. I would go out to a nightclub and sneak across the street to the park (where she was “living”) to feed her. I would bring her clothes, let her sleep in my car and eventually get her motel rooms in my name. We did countless interventions just like the kind you see on TV. We would bum rush her rooms, cut her off from any money and beg her to get help but ultimately, nothing worked. My mother and I never had a good relationship yet, I was one of the only people that has always been there for her. I am still there for her as much as I can be from across the country. I spoke about this in a previous blog “That’s Ms. Morgan Britt To You: https://stillthatbitch.com/blogs/personal/thats-ms-morgan-britt-to-you. That’s just how abuse goes. The victim and the abuser end up oddly attached but, that’s another post. Watching my mother spiral was really hard on me. Luckily there wasn’t social media and all these lowlifes to make fun of me. People will use it now and it blows my mind because how the fuck is it my fault or better yet, how is it funny to you? Here’s a little story I’ve never told. When my German ex and I broke up the first time, his mother and I had a huge falling out, and here’s why. I was in a hotel in Monaco when I woke up to a fake account sending me a screen shot of a conversation between his mother and another fake account. The account made fun of me and his mother proceeded to say (TO A FAKE ACCOUNT in the most god awful broken English) “She is just like her mother drug addict loser who is in prison.” HUH?! No you miserable old bitch. See what you’re not going to do is drag me down because of my mother’s actions and better yet, you’re never going to make fun of my mother. I text his mother so fast. I was very disappointed and hurt. I went off. “Don’t you ever! Ever! Talk about my mother. Didn’t my ex’s REAL FATHER pass away from alcohol abuse? Died of alcohol poisoning when he was just 10. Who the fuck do you think you are to make fun of addiction? Stupid bitch.” That’s what I said. That. Was. The. End. Of. That. Respectfully. You shouldn’t speak to an elderly woman like that. I knew it was aggressive and wrong but, I’ve delt with this shit for so long. How can you make fun of me to a fake account after 2 years? I once sat across from her for 9 hours and we both told our life stories. She was so kind to my face. Fake fake fake! At the time, I was shocked and enraged. Now I know she’s just an ugly mean bitch. So many people want to make fun of me because of my brutal upbringing. They fail to realize that I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m not ashamed. It’s not my fault. I am so proud of not being one of these privileged whack jobs who doesn’t know real life and think their entitlement will take them further than free bottle service in London. I’m good!! Anyway. My mother’s addiction scared the shit out of me and I thought I wouldn’t even go as far as to being addicted to cigarettes. Obviously, I was wrong.
 
 I started smoking cigarettes at 14 until my mid 20’s. I retract my first statement, I was definitely addicted to nicotine. This is one “habit” aka addiction I couldn’t shake. I smoked a pack a day until I was about 23. I got so grossed out I quit cold Turkey. Then I started again with a lighter cigarette and continued with those throughout my 20s. My German ex’s sister smoked her entire pregnancy and I was so disgusted. We would all cringe as she lit cigarette after cigarette but, it’s really hard to quite. Some of you may be thinking “Who cares about cigarettes. It’s not that big of a deal.” Wrong. Cigarettes are disgusting and a really big deal. One of the biggest. Majority of smokers would like to stop smoking, and each year about half try to quit permanently. Yet, only about 6% of smokers are able to quit in a given year. Most smokers will need to make multiple attempts before they are able to quit permanently. The more you smoke, the more nicotine you need to feel good. If you try to stop, you experience unpleasant mental and physical changes aka nicotine withdrawal. Tobacco smoke contains more than 60 known cancer-causing chemicals and thousands of other harmful substances. Even "all natural" or herbal cigarettes have harmful chemicals.
You already know that people who smoke cigarettes are much more likely to develop and die of certain diseases than people who don't smoke. But you may not realize just how many different health problems smoking causes:
  • Lung cancer and lung disease. Smoking is the leading cause of lung cancer deaths. In addition, smoking causes lung diseases, such as emphysema and chronic bronchitis. Smoking also makes asthma worse.
  • Other cancers. Smoking increases the risk of many types of cancer, including cancer of the mouth, throat (pharynx), esophagus, larynx, bladder, pancreas, kidney, cervix and some types of leukemia. Overall, smoking causes 30% of all cancer deaths.
  • Heart and circulatory system problems. Smoking increases your risk of dying of heart and blood vessel (cardiovascular) disease, including heart attacks and strokes. If you have heart or blood vessel disease, such as heart failure, smoking worsens your condition.
  • Diabetes. Smoking increases insulin resistance, which can set the stage for type 2 diabetes. If you have diabetes, smoking can speed the progress of complications, such as kidney disease and eye problems.
  • Eye problems. Smoking can increase your risk of serious eye problems such as cataracts and loss of eyesight from macular degeneration.
  • Infertility and impotence. Smoking increases the risk of reduced fertility in women and the risk of impotence in men.
  • Complications during pregnancy. Mothers who smoke while pregnant face a higher risk of preterm delivery and giving birth to lower birth weight babies.
  • Cold, flu and other illnesses. Smokers are more prone to respiratory infections, such as colds, the flu and bronchitis.
  • Tooth and gum disease. Smoking is associated with an increased risk of developing inflammation of the gum and a serious gum infection that can destroy the support system for teeth (periodontitis).

 Boring but important information. Not here to lecture you but, nothing wrong with being informative. In more recent times people have switched to vaping. I think initially we all thought it was better for us. Healthy, no. I mean com on, it’s pretty obvious inhaling chemicals that are completely unknown isn’t healthy. We assumed it was healthier because that’s how they pitched it to us. Vaping allowed for a scent free practically discreet “cool” new way of getting your nicotine fix. You no longer had to go out in the snow to light your cigarette. You no longer had to leave the dinner table. You could even smoke it on airplanes. I became hooked to vaping from 29-until 3 weeks ago lol. This had been the absolute hardest habit I had to shake. Nothing has ever been harder. The thing is, I can always stop. I’m not sure how or why but, I can. I can do an 8 ball of cocaine one day and never see cocaine again another. I can smoke a pack of cigarettes one day and literally never smoke again. This didn’t hold true with vaping. Quitting was SO HARD. I started getting really bad headaches and nausea. I started smoking it less and less until eventually I just couldn’t anymore. I wish I had better tips on how to quit but, unfortunately this one was brutal. I don’t even know how I quit. Let me tell you, I swear, not being cliche, I’ve NEVER felt better. I’ll get into that later. Now let’s talk about the fun stuff - YEARS AND YEARS OF SUBSTANCE ABUSE! Whooo hoooo ! 

 I moved to Fort Lauderdale, Florida at the ripe age of 18. I was working at Hooters and partying a lot at night. I didn’t have crazy long late night benders until later. Eventually, I made my way down to South Beach and that’s when the real partying began. At 21 years old I met my first serious boyfriend in Miami. He worked a corporate job during the week and on the weekends we took drugs. That’s all we did. In a good way, if that makes sense. We had the absolute best time of our lives. The first day I met him was at a pool party. He was with 2 really beautiful women and from the minute we made eye contact we basically started dating lol. I don’t know what happened to the girls but, from that moment on we were inseparable. Long story short, we dated for about three years and did endless drugs together. On this particular day, we took over 10 ecstasy pills EACH while staying up for three days straight. We went from the pool party, to his apartment, to a nightclub, back to his apartment, to after hours until 4pm the next day and back to his apartment. That’s some introduction. We did this for years! But wait! On this same weekend, somewhere in the mix, we were at another pool party walking through the crowd when a girl flicked her cigarette at me. I had just taken (sniffed) a bump of ketemine. (When misused, ketamine can change your sense of sight and sound. You can have hallucinations and feel out of touch with your surroundings -- and even from yourself. It can make it hard to speak or move, and it’s been abused as a date-rape drug.) It impaired my judgment and made it hard for me to walk or talk but, that didn’t stop me from getting into a huge physical fight with the girl. Here I was in a bikini, just met this really good looking guy and I’m on the floor kicking and punching some random girl. He didn’t care. He encouraged it. Wild times lol. He never did cocaine and neither did I through this time. Like I said, I was never addicted to one thing. I just recreationally did A LOT of fucking drugs. We went on Groove Cruise 2 times. Groove cruise was a huge cruise ship that was specifically for DJs and ravers and took you to a remote island in the Bahamas for a festival style party. It was only 3 days long and you literally just went on the cruise to take drugs and dance. One time I took a bad pill and had to leave the party. I’ll never forget he walked me to the tiny room and left me there. He said “One time I thought I was dying but, my dick still worked, I could still pee so I knew I was okay.” Haha! He said “you’ll be fine just stay here and as long as you can pee you’re okay,” and he left me. I wasn’t OK. I felt so horrible I was shaking, freezing, sweating and really scared. I knew I would be OK but, it was definitely scary and the boat was rocking back-and-forth and my pill(s) was terrible. We had a really good time but, it was really dangerous and reckless. You get the point. We broke up and that’s when I really started to party HARD! 
 
Once I was single in South Beach, it was ON. I took cocaine at least 4-5 times a week. I would do it at work, after work and often call out of work because of it. I would party in hotel rooms, houses, nightclubs...anywhere. I partied with all your favorite Miami club owners. I started flying to NYC on my days off to party with my girlfriends. We would take drugs and party for days in warehouses. These were honestly the best and worst years of my life. I was 23/24 years old. I was young and wild. I can’t really say there’s anything wrong with that. I would be lying if I said it was SO bad. Obviously, it was reckless and harmful but, I’ve made my longest lasting friendships through it. I’m still best friends with my “party” friends and none of us are like that anymore. I would take drugs in NYC, stay awake, go to the airport high off my ass, fly back to Miami, bartend and go to after hours in Miami - all in a 24 hour time span. Fucking sick! Writing this makes me feel high hahaha. This went on night after night until one day I got robbed. I’ve mentioned this story before in a previous post. I was alone leaving after hours around 10am when I woke up on the side of the street near my apartment. I didn’t realize but, the taxi driver had stolen my passport, brand new (a week old) Rolex and phone. He pushed me out of the backseat of the taxi onto the sidewalk. I had fallen asleep in the car and was so confused. This was a huge wake up call. I needed to get out of Miami. I thought leaving would straighten me out. I moved to Los Angeles at 25 years old. I knew that I didn’t want to be so wild anymore and I was determined to get my shit together. Before moving to LA, I spent the summer in Ibiza and Greece. I did A LOT of drugs and the flight home was torture. I was still tripping for about 5 days after I returned home. I was violently throwing up and hallucinating. It was really intense.
 
I moved to LA and for the most part cleaned up my act. Drugs are everywhere here but, in a different way. In Miami and NYC the clubs stay open all night and when one closes, another is opening. You can stay out for days straight and not even realize how much time has passed because the music is blasting and everyone is having a good time. In LA nightclubs close at 2am and if you’ve ever done drugs, that’s way too early. You’re just peaking with your high and definitely don’t want to go home. LA has more of a dark drug scene. It’s a lot of house parties or often times small gatherings doing drugs and feeling awful. At least that’s my experience here. At 28 years old I moved into a huge house in the hills with my brother. I had a ton of money, cars and no rules. We partied constantly taking drugs and I don’t think I left the house much unless it was to go shopping. I would black out on my sleeping pills - Ambien. I would have the dealer come sit in my kitchen and pay him $400 for an 8ball of coke. Yes. $400! Normally an 8ball is like $90, I think. Haven’t bought coke since those days. $400 is A LOT. I didn’t care. I had endless funds and it was really fun, or so I thought. I would spend thousands making trips from my kitchen to the safe every few hours. People would come and go stopping by to say hi and get high. Very famous socialites, basketball players, singers and actors. Oh how I wish I could name them. Not to exploit them but, so you could understand that your favorites are high as fuck all the time. This lasted for a few months before I was over that too. Around this time is when I started taking Xanax. (Sedative; It can treat anxiety and panic disorder. Can cause paranoid or suicidal ideation and impair memory, judgment, and coordination. Combining with other substances, particularly alcohol, can slow breathing and possibly lead to death.) I never took Xanax consistently. I would just take it so I could go to sleep after being up for days. Here’s another funny story. I was super high off my ass when my ex boyfriend called me and asked if I wanted to have lunch. I literally was cross-eyed from the cocaine and looked like complete shit so I swallowed a Xanax to try and mellow out. Everyone knows this is not OK. You cannot mix cocaine which is an upper with Xanax which is a lower, it can and will cause cardiac arrest which is when the heart simply flat lines. I did this daily. I would get super high and take a Xanax to come down. Not cool. Anyway, I don’t know how I got myself together but, I did. I went down to the Beverly Wilshire hotel to have lunch and the first thing he said to me is what is wrong with you? Are you OK? Do you want to go shopping? I’m cracking up as I write this because yes, that’s exactly what happened. I obviously couldn’t eat and agreed to go shopping immediately. I also couldn’t shop but figured I would give it a whirl. We went to Chanel and I got a $53,000 exotic jumbo red handbag. Many of you are very familiar with this bag. I don’t wear it often because it’s so loud and lavish but, I’ve had it for a while now and a lot of you reading this have been following me for quite some time. We purchased the hand bag. I got in my car and went straight back to my house, put it on the counter and looked at my brother and said “that’s how it’s done.” And immediately started doing drugs again. What the fuck?! This was my real life. Just straight up random and wild. I could tell these stories forever. After this wild year, my brother and I moved into a smaller place together. I actually liked it a lot more. The large house was too much of a party house and never felt like a home. I had so much money saved and I didn’t give a shit about anything. My life was just beginning. Once in this new home, I chose not to party as much and I made friends with people who didn’t do drugs. I didn’t realize at the time how imperative this was. I had to really change my lifestyle in order to stay sober. I didn’t have a drug addiction but, my lifestyle screamed drugs, alcohol and partying. I started taking Spanish classes in Beverly Hills paying thousands of dollars a month. Obviously, I could’ve just downloaded an app on my phone and learned from the comfort of my own bed but, this gave me something to do. I started waking up at six in the morning, hiking, going to the gym after my hike, going to Spanish class, meeting my girlfriend for breakfast and by 10 AM my day was just getting started. It is by far, to this day, the best routine I’ve ever had. Still, I don’t have this wonderful routine. I left to Europe during this period and I don’t regret my time over seas but, I am bitter about getting thrown off track. I am a very firm believer that everything happens for a reason but, for some reason I cannot help but wonder where I would be hadn’t I left. To the world you saw very lavish lifestyle that “put me on the map.” But, in my world, that wasn’t the case at all. It was an absolute nightmare, headache, drama filled shit show and my life in Beverly Hills wasn’t. I was FINALLY taking care of myself and Europe really threw me off track. I obviously didn’t do any drugs while I was in Europe. For two years I was completely sober. Near the end, I was on a very small dose of Xanax. My ex’s assistant would get it for me. I never had a bad Xanax addiction, I just didn’t take it properly. My brother is actually the first person who told me I was taking it incorrectly. I would only take it at night to go to sleep and it would leave me really bitter during the day. He said “Morg it’s not a sleep aid. You’re taking it wrong.” After that I started taking a little bit in the morning in a little bit at night. Sometimes I would take more than others. Some days I wouldn’t take it at all and some days I would double up. There was no rhyme or reason behind my changing doses. That’s just how I felt so that’s just what I did. In January 2019 I had my surgery in Turkey. In February 2019 I was recovering in London. Ravi came to visit and without thinking, I stopped taking my Xanax. I had no clue the repercussions. I was really weird and closed off, I was sweating profusely in my sleep and couldn’t sleep because I would hallucinate. On his fourth night there, I don’t remember much but, he experienced one of the scariest things of his life. I woke up on the edge of the bed to 2 paramedics above me, blood all over my face and my bottom tooth was gone. The paramedics asked me “Do you know where you are?” I said “Yes. Miami. I just left a party.” And they said “No ma’am. You’ve had a seizure. We have to take you to the hospital.” I was so out of it. I was scared and confused. I’ve never had a seizure and I’ve never been hospitalized for anything other than cosmetic surgery. Ravi came to the hospital with me and they explained that it was from abruptly not taking Xanax. I was shocked. I was always on and off with Xanax and never had an issue. 
 
 After my seizure in london I was obviously too scared to come off of Xanax but, at the same time I was so ready to get off of it. I was still smoking the vape. Ravi doesn’t do drugs so the cocaine days naturally fizzled out. We would smoke some weed and drink wine but, that was about it. In the time I’ve known him I’ve done cocaine twice and both times felt like complete shit. Not because of him but, because my life has changed so much. So. How did I quit?! For starters, I had already slowed down significantly. Prior to meeting him, I took Ecstasy at Nobu Malibu on the 4th of July (2019) and by 9 PM I was such a disaster. I left the party and promised myself that was the end. Even though these were just small instances, I was feeling more shitty each time. I wasn’t enjoying the drugs. I didn’t need to do them. Slowly I’ve outgrown them. As my businesses expand and the world is watching I don’t have time to get high and take 3 days off to recover. I literally don’t have 1 minute to be depressed, coming down and sleeping. What goes up must come down. The come down from these drugs was much more detrimental than the fun they brought while being high. I had to decide for myself what was more important. I continued taking Xanax out of fear. I didn’t know how and when I would stop. Just a few weeks ago, I decided to taper off of them. I would take .5 around 2pm and that’s it. That’s nothing compared to the almost 2mg I was taking daily for the last year. I did this for only 4 days and haven’t looked back. I quit the vape at the same time and since my weed was a vape as well, that had to go too. You’re probably thinking “How do you know this is the last time.” I don’t know. I have no fucking idea if it’s the last time. The good news is, it’s my life and I can do whatever I want. Even better news is, it’s my life and I’ve learned that that’s not what I want. I think I had plenty of time to figure out how to make it work if I wanted to. I could easily do some cocaine here and there, pop a Xanax, smoke some weed and 90% of you wouldn’t even know. I’m not quitting to prove a point to anyone but myself. I’m not writing this to prove to you readers that I am some sober nun. If I want to get high I’m going to get high. I don’t want to. I haven’t wanted to for so long. On Halloween my vape was giving me the most painful migraines. It had them time to time but, these were next level. I had to stop. Not everyone has the willpower. Not everyone has the world watching. Not everyone has a job they need to show up to. I understand for everyone quitting is a different struggle. As a close this out I still firmly believe that I never had an addiction. I would like to hear from you guys in the comments if it sounds like I did have an addiction but, I was in denial. Or, if you can relate because you also did drugs recreationally and never felt like you had an addiction. Either way, I hope my story helps people. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying yourself. There’s nothing wrong with letting loose and having a good time. Alcohol is severely addictive and a major depressant but, because it’s legal, people overlook the fact that it’s so abused. It seems to be much more excepted even though it’s just as dangerous, if not worse. You don’t overdose from cocaine but you can literally die from alcohol. I could’ve told you guys hundreds of stories. My life was pure chaos from 16 until 30. I’m 32 now, I’m completely sober and I’ve never felt better. I wake up at 7 AM grateful. I don’t feel bitter, I don’t feel tense, I don’t frantically reach for my vape and I’m proud of myself. My head feels so clear. I thought that I needed Xanax to be less anxious but looking back, it made me more anxious. I made me angry and defiant. It was doing the complete opposite of what I was taking it for. I’ve received so many direct messages on Instagram asking how I quit. This wasn’t going to be a guide to quitting. I simply wanted to share my story with you guys and inspire you to know that it is possible.  

 You can definitely do anything you set your mind to, it takes action, it takes perseverance, it takes facing your fears and most likely getting out of your comfort zone but, nothing worth having comes easy in life.
 
 Yours truly,
 That Bitch!

Morgan Osman
Morgan Osman

Author


25 Responses

@lashed.dtla
@lashed.dtla

December 06, 2020

Check out my profile girls if you need a lash tech:)

@lashed.dtla

Eli
Eli

November 24, 2020

Thank you for this post. And don’t be too hard on yourself for how you reacted towards your ex-boyfriend’s mom. Seriously if this is what this woman did to you, then she has no respect, class, decency or even basic human values. Why are you supposed to stay quiet and let that somebody treat you like trash when she metaphorically spat in your face? You did the right thing! And we all love you for that!

Eli
Eli

November 24, 2020

Thank you for this post. And don’t be too hard on yourself for how you reacted towards your ex-boyfriend’s mom. Seriously if this is what this woman did to you, then she has no respect, class, decency or even basic human values. Why are you supposed to stay quiet and let that somebody treat you like trash when she metaphorically spat in your face? You did the right thing! And we all love you for that!

Nicole
Nicole

November 18, 2020

MORGAN my birthday twin! Leo’s really are so strong minded I resonate with everything you just said because I lived it and still am living it currently just like you said I do it when I feel like it. My doctor prescribes me adderall 40mg a day (kinda high if you ask me), ambien which you’re technically only supposed to take it for 2wks max to reset your sleep cycle but I’ve been prescribed it for years for my insomnia that I’ve had as a child, and xanax all prescribed by my one doctor. Not sure if this is all safe to take together anywho along with all the above I would do coke (started this when I got into bartending from 5star restaurants all the way to the members only portion of a strip club that is also a 5star steakhouse) during this quarantine it became an everyday thing when now it’s back to only weekends or when I feel the desire, molly (rarely) had a very bad come down on Saturday and that’s why I only do it once every few yrs (worst come down in my opinion), cigs, alcohol, like you said I don’t consider myself addicted and I can and have stopped everything cold turkey. When I did I had 3 seizures once each time and proceeded to take a CT scan, blood test, you name it. I went to a neurologist that told me it was due to quitting Xanax cold turkey so I’ve been scared to stop it too. In conclusion he basically told me I could die and you never know when the coke/xan Interaction could go bad. Since then I’ve moderated my use but I’d be lying if I told you I don’t do all the above “recreationally” —there’s a difference between depending on something and having a good time NOW. I don’t have any kids and I know this is my time to enjoy my life and get this phase out the way

Jacqueline
Jacqueline

November 18, 2020

I can relate to this post 💯% I did the same thing in my 20’s with drugs. I also feel I wasn’t addicted. I feel somewhat like it was a right of passage. (That may sound stupid) however, I’m older now settled with a family and feel NO NEED to do any drugs or drink. Been there done that!!!!! When I did party, rave etc…. I was young and hurt no one. I’m happy that part off my life fizzled out I learned allot also made incredible friends for life and memories.
I see ppl in their later 30’s now that never partied or did a drug get into it now and it’s a fuckin disaster. I’m glad that part of my life was done long ago. GREAT TIMES but NOT missed.
LOVE YOU BTW
sending love 💗 from Toronto

LANOELLEXO
LANOELLEXO

November 18, 2020

Finally got the chance to read this! I resonate with this so much. I don’t think you have an addiction issue personally because that’s exactly how I view my use as well. I’m recreational, I have the ability to cold turkey cigs. Fortunately, never got into vaping. Weed has definitely been the biggest thing to give up for me. Thank you for sharing your story. Definitely makes me feel like I am not alone in this! 💗

LANOELLEXO
LANOELLEXO

November 18, 2020

Finally got the chance to read this! I resonate with this so much. I don’t think you have an addiction issue personally because that’s exactly how I view my use as well. I’m recreational, I have the ability to cold turkey cigs. Fortunately, never got into vaping. Weed has definitely been the biggest thing to give up for me. Thank you for sharing your story. Definitely makes me feel like I am not alone in this! 💗

Sandra Freudenberg
Sandra Freudenberg

November 17, 2020

Thank you, Dear Morgan, I am writing you from Germany – :-) hope you are not mad about every person from Bavaria…

Dina
Dina

November 17, 2020

Really important distinction: no, you are not an addict, but you are belligerent in your use of substances. Many many many people relate to these habits.

The comment about you and your mother having a victim-abuser relationship is a form of trauma bonding, and a harsh reality we overlook about many of our relationships. However the mother child complex reminds me of the self-fulfilling prophecy; that we inadvertently end up becoming exactly what we despised or hurt us at youth.

Morgan, I’d love to read your natal chart and provide my interpretation as an astrologer. Just need your time of birth and the city you were born in. You are absolutely fascinating and magnetic in your life endeavors. Would be an interesting read, email me if you’re interesting

Natasha
Natasha

November 17, 2020

After 2.5 year battle I was able to fight my alcohol addiction. Drugs never got me hooked although just like Morgan I was living in Miami ;) but I became an alcoholic. Well it’s 3 years I am sober now. What helped me is a combo of tools – AA, psychology, esoterics especially, new life circumstances and much stress like being thrown out of the country and trying Europe and crazy European men (so can relate to that either lmao). All that leveled me up so much that alco didn’t just got my lifestyle, goals and my love for myself. And u know what, I know quitting alco was the hardest thing I have ever went thru (changing countries and surviving on my own is not nearly as difficult as fighting addiction).

And whenever I feel trapped by circumstances, or scared or stressed I tell myself – hey you quit alcohol yourself! You are one of that 5-10% who did it according to stats. If you were able to do tatt, you can do anything! And that moves me♥️

Lorrin
Lorrin

November 16, 2020

You are insane! In the best way possible… I always look forward to read your blog posts. You can tell you are not her for the bullshit and you extremely gifted with a natural flare and talent for story telling. PS I wouldn’t consider that addiction in disguise, you were clearly having fun and self aware enough to realise when that came to an end and a new phase of life began for you. All the love to you Morgan x

T
T

November 16, 2020

From someone who is dealing with alcohol addiction, thanks Morgan for being so vulnerable and sharing this with us. I really needed to read this.

Alex
Alex

November 16, 2020

Hey Morgan,

No I don’t think you were addicted in my opinion. Ive also taken things in the past and connected a lot with this post. I don’t know about quitting or never taking anything ever again, for me this seems too much but I’m 24 so another age. I say the most important thing is to do what makes you feel good and also keep in mind take things with moderation. If someone takes too much things that can cause problems, but in moderation everything is ok. I also was hospitalised before, I’m glad you you had someone with you ❤️

Drea
Drea

November 16, 2020

You go girl! You bring me back to my 20’s and let me tell you – you are absolutely not addicted. I do and still do recreational drugs to this day. I can do coke one Saturday night and not touch it again for months. I’m 31 and the hangovers are real so I literally have to make sure I have nothing the next day. There are moments where I think damn I wish I was high right now & then I forget about it and move on. Def not an addiction more of an impulse if you ask me lol. So proud of you & love watching your journey! Xx

Sarah
Sarah

November 16, 2020

Wow, thank you for sharing. 🙏🏼 I was a stripper for 8 years up until Covid and I live in LA..and I have to say I’ve seen it all within this city.. everything you said about LA is real and it resonates. I’ve been realizing that this whole time I’ve lived here I was using drugs to dumb myself down to others and their low vibrational frequencies. I had some great times but mostly I hated being high, but it was a part of the lifestyle. I’d always make more money in the industry when I was self destructing and being reckless. I just want to say I really appreciate your honesty. I’m trying to stop smoking weed as I’ve used it as a crutch for my anxiety and it’s my last bad habit. I was using (coke, cigs, alcohol, norcos, adderal, etc. I thought it’d be a smoker forever until I stopped self destructive patterns one by one. I feel personally if you’re growing and spiritually aware you will be more able to quit the things no longer serving you. It takes a level of commitment most won’t understand especially if you’re doing it on your own with no outside help. I think it’s amazing you are using your platform to address real issues and speaking up on things most would never because they’re too worried about their brands, money, etc. You’re inspiring Morgan thank you.✨😘

Millie
Millie

November 16, 2020

Wow Morgan reading your blog takes me back. Reminds me so much of my 20s. I don’t think you have an addictive personality but you might have a bit of compulsive tendencies. I also did drugs and enjoyed it a lot (at first). Now I can’t even think of doing Mollies or any kind of uppers. I had so many bad trips towards the end of my party days. It was a nightmare. My reaction to the uppers was like poison to my body and that’s what got me to stop. My own body was rejecting the drugs. I would leave parties all the time and go home and suffer for hours until it got out of my system. I also got really tired of being around druggies. I started to see how fucked up and lost everyone was. I only do a very little bit Xanax now when I need it and drink once in a while. I actually ran into you one time at Pacha (nyc) in the VIP area. I was completely sober. I wanted to say hi but was too intimidated and sober lol. Anyway love this post. Very proud of you.

Kat
Kat

November 16, 2020

Similar story, my ex husband and I lived in OC back when the doctors wrote you a prescription for anything and everything. He recommended I take Xanax to sleep because I went to college in LA twice a week. So I did and I became dependent on that Shit. I took it for almost a year straight a whole 2mg before bed. When I started to get off I had to quit cold turkey for a job, that drug tested, horrible idea. I remember walking around seeing stars and knew I was on the verge of a seizure but thankfully never had one. It went on for a strong week. And finally my body was off.

The night sweating is the weed! When I moved to London around 19 years old, about 12 years ago lol, they had shit weed—(still do)and I didn’t know anyone except people from school. Coming from The Bay, where we pretty much manufacture it, was a huge downgrade, so I had to quit. And sweated every night for months. It was crazy! Waking up in a pool of sweat…..off weed!!!

To answer you question to your readers, I think you enjoyed the lifestyle and what the lifestyle entailed. You can’t hangout for days without being on drugs. The environment is the addiction. Add a friend, a boyfriend and that environment will last a long time. But the Xanax, yeah you may of a had a dependency, you have talked openly about it for awhile. And I say dependency because if you ask an addict if they are addicted, they will never admit to even taking the drug. I’ve walked in on very important people in Newport Beach with a rig in their arm, and they will look you dead in the face and say they don’t have a rig in their arm!

Dom
Dom

November 16, 2020

You’re not an addict, you’re LUCKY. Not everyone can weave in and out of drugs like this without suffering or rehab. I used drugs the same way and never got hooked. But alcohol, you’re right. It’s just as bad. I’m not an alcoholic but there have been times (namely, quarantine 2020) where drinking was just what I expected to do everyday. And it was hard to break that habit but I did bec my jeans were getting too fucking tight.

Props again for being so relatable and sharing your story! Keep em comin ⌨️

V
V

November 16, 2020

I had the same problem with the partying but I never felt addicted! I worked in night life stuff in LA where it was difficult to not use them.. felt almost obligated. Also had a problem with vaping, stopped recently for two months and regained so much energy!

Bri
Bri

November 16, 2020

Hello!
I recently myself have stopped abusing adderall. I’ve been prescribed for years. Always had one of those shady doctors that would prescribe whatever I thought I needed. It was great for a few years then recently when taking it, I would be soo “up” and anxious I felt like I needed to drink to calm me down a bit. I couldn’t take just adderall anymore because it had gotten to the point where I felt like I needed a drink also and it was a vicious cycle so I just stopped. I was tired of being hungover because on addy when you’re drinking you feel like superman and can drink more than you usually would. Pharmaceuticals can be soo addicting for sure. But I definitely feel so much better not taking them. Thanks for telling your story >3

Kelsye
Kelsye

November 16, 2020

You’re amazing. I don’t think you had an addiction, because I also feel the exact same way and went down a nearly identical drug using path but I could always stop. I rarely do drugs now maybe maybe only once a year but just being in control of myself and having that power is awesome. When you mentioned recovering from Ibiza and the flight home being torture it literally brought back the same memories I was also hallucinating and throwing up for 3 days!!!!!! Insanity! Thanks for being so real, as always!

K
K

November 16, 2020

I also used many drugs for years just like this. I never considered it an addiction, I would try what I could and it wasn’t anything in particular. Just like in your story, I also just stopped because I realized my come-downs were getting unbearable and it got to a point where it wasn’t even worth it. Thank you for sharing your story!

AXXK
AXXK

November 16, 2020

Wow. Congrats Morgan! I to was a Xanax user. BAD. Had to come off and when I did it was TORTURE. I couldn’t even step out my house. Xanax is the devil and makes your life more of an anxiety filled world. Stay strong, and keep focused the good feeling will get better. Thank you for sharing!

Michelle
Michelle

November 16, 2020

I’m a smoker and I know it’s bad but I’m a mom of three boys and if it makes any sense I enjoy smoking, I enjoy the 4min break it gives me throughout the day. I stopped with I was pregnant with all three kids but on the way home from hospital belly and all i would make my husband pull over so I can smoke. I hate how it smells(especially now in the winter feel like it stays on you more) I used to love not smoking because I would still smell my shampoo and conditioner at night time but it’s not enough to make me quit. Yet its selfish
If god forbid something happens to me bc of this habit and my children are small. Double edge sword.

Lanoellexo
Lanoellexo

November 11, 2020

Thank you for speaking on this! I just started my sobriety “journey”a couple weeks ago and I cold turkeyd everything too!

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